How to Cope When Your Loved One Gets Cancer

It is crazy that I’ve not been able to put a pen to my paper for the past few months. Just about two weeks before my last article, I had the urge to write about this, but then I felt that I’d be giving too much information away and I didn’t want anyone to know what I was dealing with at that time, not sure if it was because I didn’t want the attention or pity, either ways, I just chose to not write about it.

Honestly, nobody prays to ever get diagnosed with a terminal illness or have their loved ones diagnosed with one, but this is life, and these things happen, sadly so. I remember when my dad started having some symptoms, the most uncomfortable one being a serious pain in one side of his back, that just wouldn’t go away, even with painkillers, it got me really worried and surfing the internet for possible causes, because he was in serious discomfort, however the most likely cause that I saw was really disturbing, Kidney failure, then my concerns continued to grow, I wondered if my daddy was having kidney issues truly, anyway I decided that my google diagnosis wasn’t going to be enough and reached out to a friend who had a mum who worked at the University College Hospital, Ibadan, she helped us ever so swiftly(bless her heart), hence we were able to get the necessary tests done on time, after which he was given painkillers that really relieved him of his back pain.

Eventually we found out that it was cancer, actually I found first out through the test results, before the doctor broke the news to us, metastatic prostate cancer that had indeed metastasized to his bones, it was shocking, really so. A myriad of thoughts went through my mind, the most prominent one being that my dad was dying, I mean cancer is usually not exactly an immediate death sentence, but then, this was some stage IV or V cancer that we were talking about, and trust me when I say that it’s the most heartbreaking thing that has ever happened to me. My sweet, strong and hardworking daddy, diagnosed with cancer??? I had a lot of questions for the doctor when we went for the appointment, because I’d already done a lot of Google searches, and understood that with distant mets, my dad would probably not last a year.

The first question that I asked the doctor was how long he had left, however, unlike in the movies, I wasn’t given a time frame, but encouragement to pray, and some treatment options that my dad had, all of which I had already read up on Google. I think that it was quite helpful that the doctor was really nice and not a prophet of doom, he made sure to talk about his patients that came just like my dad about ten years ago, and are still alive, so that made our mind at rest, and we decided that my dad should start treatment immediately, which he did.

With no doubt, I know that some people are going through this kind of situation right now, and do not know where to turn, and they are the main reason why I chose to write about this today. The first thing that I did was to get my dad the necessary medical help, and to help him and my mum understand that it wasn’t a spiritual problem, but indeed a medical one, for which there were treatments. I also made sure not to mention how fast it kills to my dad, especially because his doctor only told him the nice stuff and made him very hopeful, but I made sure to discuss with my mum, especially because I wanted her to be prepared for anything.

The whole cancer journey is crazy, and yes you have a good reason to be worried and scared, anticipatory grief is terrible and may suck the joy out of your life. However, one of the things that helped me get through this difficult period was that I didn’t shy away from information or research, yes they made me anxious, but also, they made me prepared. You may help yourself cope with a loved one’s terminal illness by learning about their condition, reading about the treatment plans to help all of you make great decisions, and also go with them on their appointments. Try to spend money (if you have it),and time on them, and follow their journey all the way. If you’re lucky enough to meet a doctor like Dr Jimoh of the UCH Oncology department, who helped my dad, this also goes a long way.

In all of these, please do not neglect yourself and your own needs, just because you want to be there, learn to delegate if you have other people that can share the responsibilities with you. There are good days sometimes, and on such good days, please try to enjoy life. It could also be helpful If you also find a survivor of such condition on the internet, you could continue to follow their story, because hope is not necessarily a bad thing. I found this man on the internet who had been living with prostate cancer for more than ten years in America, reached out to him on Twitter, and he actually replied me and was so supportive. His story gave me hope about my dad, and even though my dad didn’t make it as far, I’m glad that I had hope.

I personally think that my dad lived for four more years because he had all our love and encouragement. He never had to wonder if we truly loved him, because anywhere he looked, we were right there. But for the caretakers, does this mean that you never get tired or anxious or unhappy? No. Cancer, for the victim and the victim’s family is really draining, and will try to suck the joy out of all your lives, please just try to keep your head up. It’s too much up and downs and it just gets really really tough sometimes.

Don’t ever be too shy to ask for any kind of help from people when you need it, monetary or whatever, don’t keep quiet, you just might get it. Open a GoFundMe if necessary, ask family and friends if possible, or even the internet if the cross becomes too much to bear.

While it’s sad that my dad is gone, I’m really grateful that we got those four years together(after his diagnosis), we were able to hang out a lot, spend a lot of time together, take pictures and bond even more seriously. We never joked with enjoying life on the days when he felt really well, and I’m thankful for that.

I hope that everybody who is going through a tough time like this gets all the help that they need and are able to get through it. I’d have mentioned prayers, however I was too angry and confused that I barely prayed, but my mum? She prayed so much, and I bet some of her prayers got answered, if not all.

This post is not to tell you to be strong, please cry when you feel the need to, play when time permits, ask for help, confide in the people that you trust and just keep going. This tough time won’t last.