If you are a Nigerian woman over 30 and unmarried, there is one thing you learn very quickly.
Normal conversations no longer exist. You cannot just talk. You cannot casually check in with a loved one, gist about work, complain about life, or share something funny without it eventually circling back to the same question.
“So when are you getting married?”
Sometimes it is asked gently.
Sometimes jokingly.
Sometimes with concern disguised as care.
But it always lands the same way.
When every conversation feels like an interrogation
What hurts is not just the question. It is the frequency.
It is the way marriage becomes the unspoken agenda behind every interaction. The way your life updates are filtered through a single lens. The way people stop seeing you and start seeing a problem that needs solving.
Over time, talking to loved ones becomes startling. Then exhausting. Then, if we are being honest, a little sickening. Not because they do not love you, but because love starts to feel conditional on a timeline you did not agree to.
You hang up calls feeling smaller. More guarded. Less yourself.
The contradiction no one wants to talk about
Here is the part many people avoid saying out loud.
A lot of people our age who got married ten years ago are not happy.
Some are divorced. Some are separated. Some are still married but deeply unfulfilled.
We have seen it. We have lived around it. We have watched it unfold quietly.
But the moment you reference this reality, the response comes quickly.
“Why can’t you find good examples?”
“Don’t focus on failed marriages.”
“Look at the positive ones.”
And you try. You really do.
But the truth is, people in genuinely healthy marriages are often the quietest about it. Not because they are hiding anything, but because real peace rarely needs performance.
So you are left in a confusing space where you are pressured to marry quickly, warned by lived examples, and criticised for noticing the disconnect.
Being unmarried does not mean being anti-marriage
There is a harmful assumption that unmarried women over 30 are bitter, traumatised, or afraid of commitment.
But many of us want love. We want partnership. We want companionship.
We just do not want any version of it.
We have seen what happens when people marry out of fear, comparison, or pressure. We have seen how costly that decision can be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
Choosing to be careful is not stubbornness. It is wisdom.
Not everyone desires marriage, and that is okay
There is another reality we rarely make space for.
Some people do not desire marriage.
Not because they are broken.
Not because they are traumatised.
Not because something went wrong.
They are simply wired differently.
Yet in Nigerian culture, marriage is often treated as a compulsory life stage rather than a personal choice.
So people who do not desire it are still pressured to want it. Still questioned. Still prayed for. Still treated like something must be wrong.
But fulfillment does not come in only one shape.
Some people find meaning in companionship without marriage.
Some in community.
Some in faith, work, creativity, or service.
A life can be full, rich, and intentional without a wedding.
And that truth should not be controversial.
The truth people rarely say out loud
Marriage is not something you can do by yourself.
You can work on yourself. Heal. Grow. Pray. Become emotionally available. Put yourself out there.
And still, marriage remains one of the few major life milestones that is not fully within your control.
It requires another person.
With aligned values.
At the right time.
With mutual intention.
Yet unmarried women are often spoken to as though this is a solo project they simply have not tried hard enough to complete.
That pressure is unfair. And it is heavy.
Complete, yet constantly questioned
You can be fulfilled, accomplished, self aware, loving, and grounded, and still be treated like your life has not started.
Like you are waiting in a holding room.
Like everything else you have built is temporary.
Like marriage is the final stamp of legitimacy.
And yet, you are expected to be patient. Gracious. Understanding. Quiet.
You are expected to carry the weight without flinching.
But sometimes, seeing others’ successes, whether it’s a friend getting married, landing a dream job, or buying a home, can stir complicated feelings.
I’ve written about this before in my post on How to Stop Being a Hater and Celebrate Others’ Success.
It’s okay to feel jealous sometimes; what matters is how we respond. Learning to transform those feelings into motivation rather than resentment helped me find patience and grace during tough conversations.
Where the hope really lives
Being 30 plus and unmarried does not mean you have failed.
It does not mean you missed your chance.
It does not mean your life is on pause.
Sometimes it simply means your story is unfolding differently.
With more intention.
With more self awareness.
With less fear.
Marriage can be beautiful. Deep. Sacred.
But it is not the only path to a meaningful life.
Timing is not morality.
And a woman is not incomplete because she is unmarried.
There is hope in choosing peace over panic.
There is hope in not settling.
There is hope in trusting that what is meant for you will meet you with clarity, not pressure.
If you are in this season and these words feel like relief, know this.
You are not behind.
You are not broken.
You are not alone.
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